:: Leisure time

Top 50 fun things to do on a film set as a Steadicam operator. Complain to the crew about what a fool the producer is. Tell the producer how great he is. Balance a cup of coffee, a doughnut and a pack of cigarettes on your rig. Clean up the mess you made because you couldn't balance the cup of coffee, doughnut and pack of cigarettes on your rig. Wait... Learn all the dialogue by heart, impress your friends. Shout "Eureka!!!" everytime you hit a mark. Refuse to put on the Steadicam after 19:00 for 'religious reasons'. Wear flowing black cape, only work at night. Replace show reel with episode of Baywatch, see if they notice. Go around the set and 'mark your territory'. Watch "Showgirls" in the projection room, argue that it's for reference. Wait... Tell the A.D. that if he wants you to work faster, you must be spanked. Yell "Onward proud warriors, bring me my horse!!!" every time action is called Hide exposed film reels the night before due date, force producers to solve a series of fiendish puzzles to find them. Perform a voodoo ritual involving a Twinkie, 14 thumbtacks, some flat Fresca, and a lock of Pamela Anderson's hair before every shot. Stand on your head for fifteen minutes, claim it helps you find balance for your rig. Tell the director that the voices in your head insist the shot sucks ass! Insist on a bright blue backlight and a dramatic soundtrack in the background whenever you enter a room) If there's mirrors in the scene, insist on getting make-up on, just in case... If people stand too close, ask them if your fungus is visible from where they stand. Refuse to use the production camera, insist that it's just not your color. Install toilet paper dispenser on the Steadicam post, tell people it's "in case of system failure". Wait some more... Get teary eyed whenever you talk about your first commercial. Wake up every morning at 4:53 screaming with nightmares of dynamic balance. Point at the movie/tv screen and blurt out, "I shot that" at every opportunity. Insist that the shot would look so much better if only those idiot clients would just shut up and let you do the job. Plug a receiver into the Steadicam monitor and secretly watch the playoffs during takes. While suiting up insist that the whole crew looks away, tell them you're shy. Raise your fee by 600% at the merest mention of overtime (that'll teach them!!!). Do every shot naked, claim that you don't want to ruin your brand new clothing with sweat. Play Metallica loudly on a stereo during every take, argue that it helps your timing and rythm during a shot. Write a top 50 list and honestly believe it'll bring you fame and glory among your peers. Wait some more... again. After getting on a set immediately run to the nearest diner, watch the mayhem ensue and enjoy your time off after you get fired. Giggle insanely whenever somebody mentions "Dolly". Toss around made-up words like "Dynamic Rig Pressure" and "Gimbal Level Bracket" to confuse your producer and client; laugh about it behind their back. Dream about that ever-elusive 39th thing to do. "Sacrifice" doughnut to "Voltar, Five-Headed god of Velcro". Blare porno soundtrack music from a stereo, claim it's "inspiring". Tell people you're not really a Steadicam operator, you just wear all this to lose weight! Yell out "Ooh, my aching bones" and fall over whenever the A.D. calls for Steadicam. Remove all your clothing, claim that you must be 'as one' with your rig. Still waiting... Take the term "Flying the Steadicam" litteraly and insist on a stewardess to serve you coffee during the shot. Scream at the director, tell him he's "cramping your style". Chat up a starlet, propose a private demonstration of "Iso-elasticity". One word: "Macarena"!!!